Chemical upcycling of polyethylene (PE) to long-chain alkylaromatics through tandem hydrocracking/aromatization has potential to provide value-added chemicals. However, the liquid product is a complex mixture of alkanes, alkylbenzenes, and polyaromatics, limiting its direct usability. The most valuable component of the product mixture is the alkylbenzenes because of their potential as precursors to anionic surfactants. In this study, a one-pot reactive separation is described. Sulfonating the product mixture from PE upcycling with silica sulfuric acid followed by neutralization with sodium hydroxide yields sodium alkylbenzenesulfonates (up to 93 mol % selectivity), along with a separate phase of lubricant-range hydrocarbons as a coproduct. Compared to petroleum-based sodium dodecylbenzenesulfonates, the reported PE-derived surfactant molecules show competitive physicochemical properties, including surface tension and interfacial tension. According to life cycle assessment, the described reaction strategy demonstrates 20% lower greenhouse gas emissions, when considering uses for the coproducts of PE upcycling, compared to conventional linear alkylbenzenesulfonates (LAS) manufacturing directly from petrochemical feedstocks.